Click HERE to view Rev. Jimmie Scott’s guided meditation during the service.
So, how many people believe that relationships are one of the most beautiful, joyful, meaningful and fulfilling aspects of life? How many people would agree with that? How many people would also agree that relationships can also be the most difficult, frustrating and painful aspects of life? [Congregants laugh] Okay.
Kind of reminds you of this guy. He brings home a buddy of his at 6:30 unexpectedly for dinner. And his wife starts to yell at him while the friend listens from the front room. And she’s yelling at him, “My hair and my makeup; they aren’t on! The house is a mess. They’re dishes in the sink! I’m still in my pajamas! And I’m not in the mood to cook unexpectedly on short notice for you and your buddy. You know, what the heck did you bring him here for?”
And the husband says, “Well, he wanted to talk, because he’s thinking of getting married.” [Congregants laugh]
So what is the similarity between relationships and algebra? You look at your “ex” and you wonder “why.” [Congregants groan and laugh]
Relationships! Relationships, we all agree, are a vital part of our lives. But they are not easy. Every one of us has numerous relationships in our lives: our parents; our siblings; our partners; our children; our exes; our co-workers; our neighbors. I mean, we could go on and on and on about the number and layers of relationships that we all have.
We could go as far as saying that life is really about relationships. And I’ve come to believe that the quality of our lives is directly related to the quality of our relationships. How many people would agree with that?
Relationships are important. The question is: How do we have and develop better relationships and have a deeper level of connections in all our relationships?
This is a Week #3 out of our five-week series on Eckhart Tolle’s book, The Power of Now, a Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment. And it is really about saying that the guide to enlightenment and finding the power of now is being present — or being Presence: you know, being one with the eternal Presence that there is.
And the greatest obstacle for us to discover the power now and achieve enlightenment is the way that we identify everything in our minds with who we are. Because we think everything we think is true – it’s real — about ourselves, about the world, about other people. And that pulls us away from the present moment. You know, our mind is always in the past, always in the future, but rarely — or definitely not as much as it could and should be – in the present.
The first part was called “Freedom from the Mind.” And that is about observing what we’re thinking — that is one way to liberate ourselves; accepting what is; and embracing the stillness. Embracing that place of oneness.
Last week it was called “Realizing Pure Consciousness.” And, similarly — because it’s the foundation — it’s still about observation and accepting what is. And last week we added to it to focus on the life journey, which is being fully present to whatever it is you’re doing now. Be fully engaged in what you’re doing, and then – in whatever it is that you’re doing — bring forth the joy of being. That you get to be alive in this experience and bring forth your joy in the work that you’re doing. Give your full attention to the now and what it is that you are engaged in.
And then, today, we’re going to look at how to use the power of now — how to use the present moment — to enlighten our relationships.
And the first thing is PRESENCE. You know, it is the foundation of connection. Here’s what Eckhart Tolle says. He says, “Unless and until you access the consciousness frequency of presence, all relationships, and particularly intimate relationships, are deeply flawed and ultimately dysfunctional.”
Every single one of us is looking for salvation. Every single one of us is looking for a level of enduring freedom and fulfillment and happiness. And, culturally, we all look outside of ourselves for possessions, for status, for power, for achievements. That we’re always looking outside of ourselves. And one of the things we look outside of ourselves the most for — to feel whole, to feel complete, to feel happiness — is in relationships. You know, we think relationships will complete us; that relationships will make us whole.
And he says that we fall in love and we make that person the center of our universe: they are our reason for being. We get so overly focused on them that eventually, in time, some of the things they do will not make us feel as happy or as overjoyed. And what we begin to do is to blame them, because there’s this other side, “Hey, you’re supposed to make me happy!” So we begin to blame; we begin to judge; we begin to criticize. And we begin to trigger each other’s pain bodies. And soon we’re focusing more on the negative than on the positive.
And he says many relationships become love/hate relationships; you know, we love to hate them! Because we have this unhealthy preconceived idea. And when it doesn’t go that way, we take our frustration out on each other. It’s like, “You’re supposed to make me happy, but you’re not holding up your end of the bargain.” [Congregants laugh] You know, “You’re supposed to be the man or woman of my dreams; you’re supposed to be my happily ever after and you’re not.” And we take that frustration out by projecting and expressing it out.
You know, he said, “True fulfillment does not depend on something or someone outside of ourselves.” You know, salvation and true freedom is the freedom from wanting or needing or thinking something should be different than it is or people need to be different than they are. He said that true salvation comes from the awareness that there is an inseparable aspect in our being of timelessness and formlessness that is eternal in ourselves. And that is the source of joy. That is the source of peace. And that is enduring. And it is within us. We’re always trying to get there, not realizing we’re already there. And it’s already here, but we need to tap into it and expand our awareness of it.
You know, the foundation of enlightenment and the foundation of enlightened relationships is the same thing. And that is presence. How present are we? You know, the majority of us we all know are not always present. We’ve all been in conversations where we’re talking to somebody and you could tell they’re not listening. We’ve all been in meetings. We’ve all had family dinners where our bodies are there, but our minds are not present.
And he said it is presence that is the key to being awakened; to being more alive; to being more engaged; to being more powerful. And it is the foundation of connection. That if we want to have connection in relationship, we need to be present. We need to be centered in that presence to truly have a deep and authentic connection and healthier and more nurtured relationships.
And so, the thing we need to do is to practice presence and make it a priority. Practicing connecting with the stillness and the oneness. And whether you call it God or Spirit or essence — or whatever you want to call it — it is that divine eternal energy and presence that is within us, and to consciously bring it to awareness in the now moment.
You notice when Moses asked God, “Who should I say sent me?” He said, “I AM THAT I AM.” He didn’t say, “I was that I was” or “I will be that I will be.” He said, “I AM.” And the reason for that is to show that God is in the present: that life can only be in the presence. You can only feel presence in the present. We can only feel our oneness in the now, present moment. And that’s the most important thing.
You know, Scripture said Jesus said, “Seek ye first his kingdom and his righteousness.” You know, in all things turn to God. You know, seek God with all your heart.
And so, this idea of connecting with the presence is something we need to do consistently and we need to do frequently. Jesus prayed consistently multiple times every day to build up that presence; to build up that consciousness of his oneness. He knew – he would say – “The Father and I are one.” He knew that sense of presence and that sense of being. And that is the single greatest thing to bring peace and joy into our lives and bring more peace and connection into our relationships. It is only by being a presence that we can be a greater channel of light and love and joy and peace and all the good that God is.
Eckhart Tolle says this. He said, “When we interact with others, it is crucial that we bring our full attention and awareness to the interaction. To connect with presence means letting go of our habitual patterns of thought and judgment and, instead, connecting with the essence of the other person. In the state of presence, we are not clouded by our past experiences or anxiety of the future. It is about simply being there and relating to another soul.”
And so, one of the things about when we are more in a present and in the presence that we can actually see that presence also in the other person: know that we share a common connection. That our beings — our divine nature — is common; that we are one and connected. So, when we are connected in our presence and know that that other person is, that we are able to actually then be more present to them.
And when we are truly present to someone, we’re not just hearing the words. But when we are truly present and engaged, we actually can feel their energy in their presence. I mean, it is a powerful thing; we can feel deeper things going on in them. Even if their words are saying something and you know someone is hurting, you can tell when you are fully present and you are fully engaged. It is a powerful thing to transform relationships. It is a powerful thing when we are present to create a deeper sense of connection and even greater levels of understanding of one another.
And so, one of the things we need to do is to practice presence consistently. And one of the things he suggests is that, as we begin, we pause; we take a deep breath; we open our hearts; and we can say, “Namaste: the divine in me honors the divine in you.” Or you could say, “The Namaste presence in me honors the presence in you.” It is a powerful way to start all of our interactions or engagements, because it is the greatest path if you want healthier relationships. It is the greatest path if we want connection.
Here’s what he says: “For love to flourish, your presence needs to be strong enough so that you no longer are taken over by the thinker or your pain body and mistake them for who you really are.”
And so presence is about connecting there consistently within ourselves, and being able to see it in others — and hold it for others — and then be present in the actual interaction and in the moment. And he says, “We cannot connect deeply and authentically without presence.” It is the absolute key. And that’s our inner work to do.
And the second one is to TRANSCEND THE EGO AND EMBRACE UNITY. You know, even when we are in the presence, the ego will still try and pull us back into being unconscious. You know, pull us back into the past; pull us ahead into anxiety. And we need to make sure we don’t distract our mind.
And then there’s a third thing that the ego does when we’re present with someone, and that is that we begin to judge; and we begin to criticize; and we begin to blame. So, when we’re present with them, and we hear some things, sometimes we want to trigger judging. We want to trigger criticizing and blaming. And so, we need to hold an intention to not let our ego pull us to judging others or judging ourselves. You know, we need to develop a level of full acceptance for ourselves and our full acceptance for the individual. Because that helps transcend us beyond our ego and allows us to stay more present.
Because if we let it pull us away, it fragments us. And, if we get fragmented, then we miss authentic connection. And so, this is work: to consciously hold an intention to transcend our ego. And so, we must choose to not let things distract this and pull our attention away.
Do you know studies have shown if we do just one thing — if we want to make our relationships happier — the one thing to do? Do you know what it’ll automatically make them …? If we stop judging and criticizing. Studies show that if you stop judging and criticizing in a relationship, the energy, the level of happiness, the level of joy and feeling safe with somebody actually increases! Because judging and criticizing feels like attacks. And what we’re doing to each other — the people we love the most — is keeping attacking. And inside we begin to want to shut down and not feel safe. So it is a powerful and important thing for us to stay present and to consciously choose not to judge.
Another aspect about the ego is that it also wants to create separation and a level of conflict. And it’s always looking for some reason to push that person away and think we’re different from them, and that we’re separate and create conflict. But we need to attack with the truth of: that we are one. You know, that there is unity; that we are Interconnected. That we are a part of the same whole; we’re on the same team. And that is a vital and important mindset for us to connect in to create as healthy a relationship as we can. Because if we’re able to do that, what happens is it opens the door for more compassion and for more empathy; for forgiveness; for understanding. And for moving on beyond the past to greater experiences. It helps us begin to nurture relationships with mutual respect and a deeper level of love and understanding.
And so, the practice is to consciously choose not to judge; to consciously remember that we are one: that we are connected, that we are a part of the whole. And, instead, to use acceptance; to use intention; to use a mindset that we are one and we are interconnected.
One of the things he says is that love is a state of being, and that true love is not selective. Like, “I love this one a whole lot; I don’t love this one at all.” Like, we can be very selective with our love, but he said love in its truest sense is non-selective: like the sun expressing sunlight on everyone. And that true love — if we were able to live at that level — would be to have an equal level of love and compassion and care for our dearest loved one/spouse to the person/stranger sitting next to us. That is how powerfully we are able to love.
And the truth is: love comes from inside of us. We think it comes from the outside, and that’s not true. First time I realized this was … How many people had a teddy bear? Anybody have a teddy bear? And you loved your teddy bear? And then after a while you realize: it’s just stuffing and fur!
So where did this love of the teddy bear come from? The love was already in us. And same with whoever it is in your life: the love was already in us! It’s sometimes we just choose to be selective of who we express that love with.
And one of the things about transcending the ego: it helps open up levels of awareness to this. Like, “I wonder: could I express and feel that level of love to strangers or to the closest person equally? Can I be a state of love? Can that be a state within myself? And can I make sure that I express it to everyone and not be so selective?”
So transcending ego is, number one, about making a conscious effort to not judge. And to see us as connected and to see us as whole. And to be able to love in a way that’s not selective; that is inclusive to all.
And then the last one is to NAVIGATE CONFLICT WITH CONSCIOUS AWARENESS. And here’s what he says: “Every crisis represents not only danger but also an opportunity. If relationships re-energize and magnify mind patterns, and activate the pain body as they do at this time, why not accept the fact rather than escape and run from it? Why not cooperate with it instead of avoiding relationships or continuing to pursue the phantom ideal relationship on partner to answer your problems or trying to be fulfilled?”
And what he is saying is that, when things come up in relationships, we should use relationships as a spiritual practice. That relationship is our opportunity to practice our spiritual teachings and our spiritual principles. And so that is a vital and important thing,
You know, relationships are never going to be perfect. He says there’s going to be conflict in them. The question is: How do we show up in that conflict? You know, how do we show up for ourselves? How do we show up for our partner? How do we show up for our relationship?
And so, a vital and important thing for us to do is to show up in that highest level of consciousness so we can transmute the pain into a higher level of consciousness. He says, “Conflict is an opportunity for the realization of our true nature; an opportunity to use conflict as a spiritual practice and a measure of our level of spiritual growth.” We can use relationships as a measure of our spiritual growth.
I heard somebody once say, “If you think you’re enlightened, go spend a week with your family.” [Congregants laugh] So you can … [Laughs]
So, in moments of disagreement, sometimes we trigger some previous reaction. We have these triggers, and we go right to the “go to” response in relationships. How many people have ever been in an argument and halfway through it, you realize you’re wrong? [Congregants laugh] Anybody ever have a situation like that? But how many people, in that situation — even though you knew you’re wrong — you still kept arguing because you wanted to win? Anybody? And how many people in that — when you caught yourself being wrong — were aware enough to say, “Ah, I can make a better choice,” and you chose to admit, “I apologize,” and not continue that energy? How many people have made that choice?
And to me, that’s the magic right there: is to notice the triggers that we have … which could be defensiveness; it could be anger. I mean, it could be sadness. And to recognize it while we’re staying present and, in that moment, consciously choose a different response instead of the usual habitual one.
And it is that switching and transmuting of that energy that can create new and healthy patterns in a relationship. And that relationship and those conflicts can begin to be used to actually deepen the level of connection, instead of diminishing or damaging the relationship. It can actually create a healthier process of relating with a greater level of intimacy, closeness and understanding.
And it is a vital and important thing to stay that conscious in the middle of a conflict; to stay that present; to be aware; and to make a new and better choice. We’re not going to get it right all the time, but even if we get it right, you know, twice out of ten — or three times out of ten — it will have an impact on how we show up for each other; on how we relate and resolve our conflicts and our difficulties.
And so, how do we be present in conflict? And one of the things is, like we started: before you begin, pause to get a breath and say, “Namaste; the presence in me honors the presence of you.” But when that situation gets to be a bit of a conflict, we have to use conscious awareness of where we are. Am I getting defensive? Am I getting angry? Listen mindfully and then make a better and new choice. Because it’ll give us a new and better perspective. Instead of firing off like a trigger, we have new information and we can make a new choice. And it will absolutely make a difference and change and improve the relationship.
So, relationships are not easy. They’re vital and they’re hugely important, and they’re the key to being happy and fulfilled and discovering the fullness of love. So, it’s important to not try and avoid them or run away from them or shut down from them. But it is best to show up and be conscious in them.
And the three things we need to do is to practice the presence, because it is the foundation of connection. To transcend the ego. And to navigate conflict with awareness. When we do those things, we truly will move towards having enlightened relationships.
God bless you all!